The new search for a new apprentice by Lord Sugar who, using his own particular brand of work share hopes to find one person in twelve who will eventually work for him until the lure of a channel 5 chat show becomes too much. It's funny to think that what began as a simple "British Version" of the popular American show has gone from strength to strength and it now the corner stone of the week's TV viewing for millions of people all over the country. It also turned a big haired Muppet who once owned Tottenham Hotspur to one of the country's most lovable national treasures and a thoroughly nice chap to boot. I think.I've never met the man frankly and I can't ever imagine I will. He's never even retweeted me, the moany old Hedgehog...
What I love and equally find weird is that this is a game show, despite M'Lurd's objections. It is. It's almost like the weakest link episode that last lasts for ten weeks and doesn't have a presenter that's sixty percent botox. In fact it's like any game show where the contestants get eliminated one by one until the winner remains. The fact that it tries to hide from this amuses me so much that It's part of the viewing experience. They should embrace it and give the loser every week a P45 that's been covered in silver and mounted on a stand as a consolation prize. they could have a cult item to rival the Countdown teapot with that.
The show also helped unearth a gem of a TV personality in Nick. He's got it all; intelligence and wit, sex appeal and charm. He takes notes like a pro and is the best facial contortionist this side of the Atlantic.
Over the next several weeks we'll see the candidates sell things, buy things, steal things (possibly) spout the most banal office speak, turn on each other in the board room and see an amazing variety of Nick's superb facial expressions. I will shout at them, I will call them quite shocking things. But I will be entertained and will keep an account of the series right here and some of it may even make sense. Possibly.
Right then, Week one:
We begin with the traditional shots of twelve people looking like they haven't got a clue where the boardroom is, culminating in the 'en masse walk along the millennium bridge' shot. (I'd love to see someone walking the other way trying to get past in slow motion.) We also have establishing shots of Lord Sugar on a rooftop, which worryingly evokes memories of the ending of Life on Mars. Then the boardroom where Lord Sugar tries some of the gags that he's been working on since the last series which always sound like a teacher trying to be cool to his students. Pearls of comedy genius like "I'm looking for the Marks to my Spencer, the Lennon to my McCartney" set the tone for what gems we'll see in weeks to come. (The Robin to my Batman perhaps?) One of the boys is initially picked out due to the copious amounts of sweat trickling down his face; who, thanks to a passing resemblance to Ant McPartlin will be known as "Sweaty Ant". Possibly one to look out for? No, frankly...
So to the task. The first one normally consists of some kind of task that will involve manual labour and this was no different. A bit lighter than previous years, thoughts initially go to the sausage making task of the last series which provided several comedy highlights. By comparison this was less hassle and much less pig intestine, which is something no-one ever thinks they'll ever have to say in their life. It's simple; go and buy blank stuff and then put something on the blank stuff that'll make people want to buy the now-not-blank-but covered-in-some-funky-design stuff.
So off they go. Into the day to try and get a game plan that won't get them fired in the first week, thus joining an illustrious group of particularly rubbish candidates. But first, the team names.....
The boys, after a long and thoughtful process that seemed to last all of twenty eight seconds, came up with the name Phoenix. The idea apparently behind it being the evocative vision of the mighty phoenix rising from the ashes. Now, one thing that springs to mind is that the phoenix rose after it built itself a nest and spontaneously combusted. So I'm expecting to see some fantastic crashing and burning in the next few weeks, then we'll see if they can come back and fulfil the prophecy of their name. The girls chose the name Sterling. Apparently after one of them had a dream about their name being this, so sadly no mention of being named after a legendary Scottish Formula one driver.
The picking of the team leader was an interesting one this year. It was quite obvious that everyone had seem the programme before and they knew that generally the project manager went on the first week. So when it came to volunteering, there was an odd silent Mexican stand off. In the end the boys went with the one that looked like a twelve year old with Justin Beiber hair, who subsequently decided that he like big teddy bears and wanted those to be chosen to be branded. Bless him. The girls went with Gabrielle which started with all the "yeah we'll support you all the way!" talk which always seems to be the way but eventually gives way to verbal back stabbing and looks that could kill Superman, James Bond and Cliff Richard in one go.
So anyway off they went. The boys bickered over pricing and forgot to make anything until about half hour to go and just stuck a bunch of London cliche's on cuddly bears. The girls came up with an actually pretty funky design for T-shirts baby gro's and Jigsaws and looked like the better prepared. They set up in shopping centres. They stood outside zoos. At one point the girls, thanks to Bilyana's unique sense of direction were wondering around looking like a bunch of cinema ice cream sellers that had been shoved out of the box office doors.
As the deadline approached, the last minute technique know as "sell the shit off as quickly as you can" came into effect. The Boys sold the the rest of their stock and looked a bit pushy about it. But then the girls redefined the term "pushy" and were practically threatening a local shop owner to take their stock by shouting at her until she caved. But she didn't cave. If the BBC weren't there she probably would've told them to fuck off, but the shop owner showed a level of class that Sterling never even hoped to achieve and forced them on their merry way. Meanwhile the boys, still high from getting their stock sold were recalled to the shop to give a refund, as the stock they flogged off was obviously a massive pile of arse and the transfers were leaking everywhere.
But after the deadline passed, they could do no more and the boardroom beckoned.
So there they sat. All waiting for the announcement to see who'd won. It was hard for the viewer to tell at this point, but we knew it was going to be close after the boys' refund.
Or so we thought....
Turns out the boys won. The final figures were that the girls made £214 profit. Not bad, but the boys made £616. First win went to the boys and outside the boardroom a celebration that would make even the most alpha of males cringe in embarrassment. for the girls twenty minutes of back stabbing, but not before the trip to the cafe (except that it appears to be a chip shop of some kind this year).
Back to the boardroom and the volume kicked up a notch, as did the girls' attempts to save their own skin.
At this early point in the series I tend to zone out of this bit; it all tends to sound like white noise. suffice to say the the Gabrielle chose the right two in the end.
When it came to the final three, it was down to Bilyana, Kate and Gabrielle. My Money was on Bilyana, but it was a close call as Gabrielle gave an emotional performance that looked like she was gong for an Oscar, never mind a job with Alan Sugar. Kate sat there not saying anything hoping the other two would bury themselves. Sugar, being good at this bit singled out Kate and pressed as to why she shouldn't go. Luckily for her the amazing unstoppable vocal performance from Bilyana made sure that not only did she get fired, but that her voice will be heard resonating in the boardroom for at least the next two series.
So episode one, all done.
Next Week; gadget designing. I can only imagine that a last minute design using wire coat hangers and pipe cleaners will be in the offing, but we'll have to wait and see....
Quote of the week: "There's a Mother and Baby over there that I want to attack..."
Nick's Facial expressions: Concerning, disapproving, possibly chewing on a werther's original.
Current Favourite: Are you kidding? I can't remember their names for at least eight weeks...
Fantasy Alan sugar Boardroom entrance: (This is the section of the blog where I like to imagine various different ways Lord Sugar could enter the boardroom, other than just a boring "open the door and sit down" technique he's been using for years.)
Chair starts to spin until it becomes a blur and when it slows down Sugar has somehow appeared. Not unlike Clark Kent changing into Superman via a revolving door.
Did the right person get fired?: I was going to say that no one cares at this early point. But yes, the right person went. Bilyana basically talked herself out of the job. She didn't stop talking even after she got fired. She probably talked herself out of the taxi that took her home.
What I love and equally find weird is that this is a game show, despite M'Lurd's objections. It is. It's almost like the weakest link episode that last lasts for ten weeks and doesn't have a presenter that's sixty percent botox. In fact it's like any game show where the contestants get eliminated one by one until the winner remains. The fact that it tries to hide from this amuses me so much that It's part of the viewing experience. They should embrace it and give the loser every week a P45 that's been covered in silver and mounted on a stand as a consolation prize. they could have a cult item to rival the Countdown teapot with that.
The show also helped unearth a gem of a TV personality in Nick. He's got it all; intelligence and wit, sex appeal and charm. He takes notes like a pro and is the best facial contortionist this side of the Atlantic.
Over the next several weeks we'll see the candidates sell things, buy things, steal things (possibly) spout the most banal office speak, turn on each other in the board room and see an amazing variety of Nick's superb facial expressions. I will shout at them, I will call them quite shocking things. But I will be entertained and will keep an account of the series right here and some of it may even make sense. Possibly.
Right then, Week one:
We begin with the traditional shots of twelve people looking like they haven't got a clue where the boardroom is, culminating in the 'en masse walk along the millennium bridge' shot. (I'd love to see someone walking the other way trying to get past in slow motion.) We also have establishing shots of Lord Sugar on a rooftop, which worryingly evokes memories of the ending of Life on Mars. Then the boardroom where Lord Sugar tries some of the gags that he's been working on since the last series which always sound like a teacher trying to be cool to his students. Pearls of comedy genius like "I'm looking for the Marks to my Spencer, the Lennon to my McCartney" set the tone for what gems we'll see in weeks to come. (The Robin to my Batman perhaps?) One of the boys is initially picked out due to the copious amounts of sweat trickling down his face; who, thanks to a passing resemblance to Ant McPartlin will be known as "Sweaty Ant". Possibly one to look out for? No, frankly...
So to the task. The first one normally consists of some kind of task that will involve manual labour and this was no different. A bit lighter than previous years, thoughts initially go to the sausage making task of the last series which provided several comedy highlights. By comparison this was less hassle and much less pig intestine, which is something no-one ever thinks they'll ever have to say in their life. It's simple; go and buy blank stuff and then put something on the blank stuff that'll make people want to buy the now-not-blank-but covered-in-some-funky-design stuff.
So off they go. Into the day to try and get a game plan that won't get them fired in the first week, thus joining an illustrious group of particularly rubbish candidates. But first, the team names.....
The boys, after a long and thoughtful process that seemed to last all of twenty eight seconds, came up with the name Phoenix. The idea apparently behind it being the evocative vision of the mighty phoenix rising from the ashes. Now, one thing that springs to mind is that the phoenix rose after it built itself a nest and spontaneously combusted. So I'm expecting to see some fantastic crashing and burning in the next few weeks, then we'll see if they can come back and fulfil the prophecy of their name. The girls chose the name Sterling. Apparently after one of them had a dream about their name being this, so sadly no mention of being named after a legendary Scottish Formula one driver.
The picking of the team leader was an interesting one this year. It was quite obvious that everyone had seem the programme before and they knew that generally the project manager went on the first week. So when it came to volunteering, there was an odd silent Mexican stand off. In the end the boys went with the one that looked like a twelve year old with Justin Beiber hair, who subsequently decided that he like big teddy bears and wanted those to be chosen to be branded. Bless him. The girls went with Gabrielle which started with all the "yeah we'll support you all the way!" talk which always seems to be the way but eventually gives way to verbal back stabbing and looks that could kill Superman, James Bond and Cliff Richard in one go.
So anyway off they went. The boys bickered over pricing and forgot to make anything until about half hour to go and just stuck a bunch of London cliche's on cuddly bears. The girls came up with an actually pretty funky design for T-shirts baby gro's and Jigsaws and looked like the better prepared. They set up in shopping centres. They stood outside zoos. At one point the girls, thanks to Bilyana's unique sense of direction were wondering around looking like a bunch of cinema ice cream sellers that had been shoved out of the box office doors.
As the deadline approached, the last minute technique know as "sell the shit off as quickly as you can" came into effect. The Boys sold the the rest of their stock and looked a bit pushy about it. But then the girls redefined the term "pushy" and were practically threatening a local shop owner to take their stock by shouting at her until she caved. But she didn't cave. If the BBC weren't there she probably would've told them to fuck off, but the shop owner showed a level of class that Sterling never even hoped to achieve and forced them on their merry way. Meanwhile the boys, still high from getting their stock sold were recalled to the shop to give a refund, as the stock they flogged off was obviously a massive pile of arse and the transfers were leaking everywhere.
But after the deadline passed, they could do no more and the boardroom beckoned.
So there they sat. All waiting for the announcement to see who'd won. It was hard for the viewer to tell at this point, but we knew it was going to be close after the boys' refund.
Or so we thought....
Turns out the boys won. The final figures were that the girls made £214 profit. Not bad, but the boys made £616. First win went to the boys and outside the boardroom a celebration that would make even the most alpha of males cringe in embarrassment. for the girls twenty minutes of back stabbing, but not before the trip to the cafe (except that it appears to be a chip shop of some kind this year).
Back to the boardroom and the volume kicked up a notch, as did the girls' attempts to save their own skin.
At this early point in the series I tend to zone out of this bit; it all tends to sound like white noise. suffice to say the the Gabrielle chose the right two in the end.
When it came to the final three, it was down to Bilyana, Kate and Gabrielle. My Money was on Bilyana, but it was a close call as Gabrielle gave an emotional performance that looked like she was gong for an Oscar, never mind a job with Alan Sugar. Kate sat there not saying anything hoping the other two would bury themselves. Sugar, being good at this bit singled out Kate and pressed as to why she shouldn't go. Luckily for her the amazing unstoppable vocal performance from Bilyana made sure that not only did she get fired, but that her voice will be heard resonating in the boardroom for at least the next two series.
So episode one, all done.
Next Week; gadget designing. I can only imagine that a last minute design using wire coat hangers and pipe cleaners will be in the offing, but we'll have to wait and see....
Quote of the week: "There's a Mother and Baby over there that I want to attack..."
Nick's Facial expressions: Concerning, disapproving, possibly chewing on a werther's original.
Current Favourite: Are you kidding? I can't remember their names for at least eight weeks...
Fantasy Alan sugar Boardroom entrance: (This is the section of the blog where I like to imagine various different ways Lord Sugar could enter the boardroom, other than just a boring "open the door and sit down" technique he's been using for years.)
Chair starts to spin until it becomes a blur and when it slows down Sugar has somehow appeared. Not unlike Clark Kent changing into Superman via a revolving door.
Did the right person get fired?: I was going to say that no one cares at this early point. But yes, the right person went. Bilyana basically talked herself out of the job. She didn't stop talking even after she got fired. She probably talked herself out of the taxi that took her home.
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